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Wednesday, 30 July 2014

late night thoughts from my sister's bedroom window



- i can still remember when i used to be afraid of my own feelings. that if i was still for too long they would catch up with me and hurt me

- the evenings are the only thing i like about summer. i like being able to sit outside at night and watch the sky change colour

- some bats just flew overhead. its too dark to see much but they moved too quickly to be birds

- maybe i should describe what i see, like in school when they used to set us tasks like 'describe something you know very well'. i am resting my feet on the roof, below which is our hedge. then there's a field beyond that, with the warehouse to the left and the lights from the airfield right on the horizon

- if i lean out the window far enough, i feel like i'm hovering above the field

- how did my sister ever convince me to let her have the better room? I wonder if she appreciates the view as much as i do.

- i feel weird just sat here, my thoughts drifting peacefully. i can't remember the last time i did this. mostly i am distracting myself with something, whether its other people, my phone or books

- i spend too much time being something else for other people. i've built too many layers over who i really am, and i feel lost without someone present to direct my thoughts. because its not just my words and actions which other people influence, but my mind assimilates to its surroundings too.

- i need to argue with someone. not because i want to or have any reason to, but because i need to do something utterly abrasive and selfish just to be myself

- where did this fear of being selfish come from? because everyone else is selfish. you learn that when you try being utterly selfless

- i am listening to lana del rey on repeat at the moment. her music is so bittersweet and nostalgic, but also dark and dangerous. i love the bit in the 'ride' video where she talks about having a 'chameleon soul' because that's how i feel right now. lonely and kind of shapeless

- i feel shut off from other people, especially my friends. like an invisible barrier has come down, and their happiness and enjoyment seems distant and weird. as if when i left school, that was kind of it, and i lost most of the sense of connection i had to them and now we have very little to keep us together

- can you get fireflies in england? i might have to look that up

- i am constantly caught between wanting to be alone and craving attention

- i miss the bats. they were pretty

- i wish  was a character in a film. with a storyline and obstacles and purpose and real, beautiful, soaring emotions. surrounded by captivating people.

- i hope i remember how beautiful this view is. the huge dark field with the landing lights on the horizon. as much as i hate the countryside, i love how it looks at night

- i feel like i should be waiting for something here, or keeping watch. i want to be expecting something. i want to believe that if i  stay here long enough i will witness something extraordinary, or supernatural which will change my life

- i have absolutely no idea what's going to happen to me in the next few months

Monday, 14 July 2014

i am somebody

oh wow its been so so long since I posted properly. Discounting my lame 'sorreeeee for being a sucky blogger' post it has been a month I think? Oh well. I'm here now. And I have a lot of ideas for what to write and hopefully my own computer at some point so I don't have to put up with the shitty blogger app for too much longer.

despite all the grand plans I had for this summer, I haven't really acted out any of them. The shock of having nothing to do has made me do nothing, or at less nothing which involves too much movement/I social interaction, so mostly emailing and reading and crochet. I read Never Let Me Go, which I enjoyed. I like the way the story was made up of all these small non linear anecdotes which pieced together, in the way most people actually recall memories. I am now reading another Sherlock Holmes book as a kind of in between while I try and find something else I really want to read, which is kind of difficult thanks to the lame selection of books they have at the library near me.

Mostly listening to morbid music/watching morbid films. Maybe to match my mood? Idk but I find creepy stuff exciting. It's helping build up my sense of anticipation about this summer which is currently horribly lacking. Also I hate sunny weather/the general 'forced fun' feel of summer so I like to shut myself up in the gloom and pretend that blue skies don't exist.


I watched nosferatu the other day partly because all of it is on youtube for free and also because it looked interesting, it was kind of weird, because although it is over 90 years old i found it really sinister. Maybe because it's black and white and silent, and most of the storytelling is through blurry, wordless movements but there is something quite eerie about it. 











Listening to a lot of Lana del rey, especially ultraviolence. I love her voice, and the lazy, disillusioned tone of her songs, but like most semi-conscientious people I find some aspects of her worrying, aka her fetishising chasing older men/violent relationships, and her saying she finds feminism 'boring'. I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you can't force anyone to like feminism because that would ruin the point of it. But imagine how amazing a feminist Lana del rey would be?! My crazy cool blogger pal Amelia did a funny sketch based on her fader magazine interview.



Like a lot people I made a to do list for the summer which started simply enough, like 
1. choose computer
2. dye hair pink/purple/blue? Been trying to compile inspiration for possible colours


3. make louise belcher bunny ears hat (might clash with hair?)
4. watch all of the 179 films on your imdb watchlist
5. audition for some kind of acting role 
6. finish crochet blanket
7. listen to new music every day (see below)






But then it kind of morphed into a list of things i want to have become by the time I leave home:

1. stand taller + don't shrink away when someone you don't know speaks to you. I don't mind being introverted but I hate how weak and mumbly I go in certain situations. Listening to as much Kanye as possible to try and boost self confidence.
2. cut off everyone who you actually don't like that much. This probably sounds kind of cold but I really don't see the point in keeping in touch with people I don't enjoy talking to. My social capacity is easily exhausted and therefore cannot be wasted on people I can only just bear to be polite to.
3. don't be afraid to ask for stuff. At the moment my fear of rejection/conflict basically rules how I live my life (ie very quietly and disappointingly) and I am sick of this. A lot of the stuff I want to do requires asking for/actively seeking out and I need to get over my terror of doing this. Reading this rookie article helped a lot.

Etc. etc.... basically I have promised myself that this will be the summer where I finally get my shit together instead of lounging around avoiding responsibilities for 2 months


bedroom wall
tumblr

Friday, 27 June 2014

*normal service will be resumed shortly

                           

ugh so I realise I have been a terrible person and NOT BLOGGED OR READ ANY OF YOUR BLOGS IN NEARLY LIKE A MONTH but I have been busy I swear like I had exams and everything (!!!) my last one was on monday and so the past few days have consisted of the general leaving school aftermath. stuff like the leavers ball, which I spent either standing around judging everyone doing the macarena or screaming when britney spears came on, and then also giving back books, saying forced goodbyes to people. the whole experience has left me feeling exhausted by all the fake smiling/polite socialising and my free time (which I promised myself would be creatively spent) has consisted of watching bobs burgers and playing the sims. anyway I hope to be making actual posts once I have adjusted my brain to the black hole in my life where revision used to be and manage to be a functioning human being again.

post ball, ready to curl up in a ball and stay in bed for a week

Thursday, 29 May 2014

dream diary kinda + music

Ugh. writing this late at night as per usual. my first exam is in a few days and I can't even tell if I'm nervous or not really.



I keep having really vivid + weird dreams at the moment. they're never too stressful but I can remember them all really clearly which is unusual for me. I don't understand why people don't like hearing about other people's dreams. I think they're fascinating because its always stuff that would never happen in real life and they're terrifying and funny and incredible. someone tell me about your dreams I love hearing about them.

LAST EVER SCHOOL TOILET OUTFIT PICTURE AWWWW I'm gonna miss that mirror. both my top + jeans are topshop. I'm pretty sure the shirt was meant to be nightwear but wearing it as actual clothing because I'm wild like that 

2 lazy 2 try and articulate anymore. enjoy a playlist of sorts




 


Saturday, 24 May 2014

schools out for ever and ever

at 2 o'clock on friday afternoon, I officially left school forever, which is kind of really momentous but also not.
 
It isn't momentous because I will have to go back to school for all my exams and then there's the leavers ball, so actually its not like I'll never see this place again.

But I've been at school for all my life. For pretty much as long as I can remember my life has been divided into holiday time and school time. I can't imagine not having to worry about wearing the right clothes, or going to assemblies, or trying to avoid pe, or spending hours on the bus everyday or just having to be at school 5 days a week. I won't be forced to be around people I don't like most days of the week but neither will I be in almost daily contact with the friends I have made here. its another gradual step towards being an adult which still hasn't sunk in properly yet. I don't know when it will really. maybe the ball when everyone will genuinely be seeing each other for the last time. or maybe next september, when my sister will be going back to school and I won't be. its weird to think that school will soon just be something I remember doing and look back on, instead of a huge and basic part of my life.

anyway it was a nice last day. it was sunny and we ran around dressed as pirates getting shouted at for moving the furniture outside and standing on the roof. the teachers were all exceptionally nice to us and hugged everyone. then we left, and me and my friend drove out for the last time, before we had to turn back because we realised we'd left the pirate flag in someone's office.
 
 
 
this was definitely the bit from spring breakers which struck me most when I watched it. it kind of reminded me of the last day of school. obviously we didn't run around shooting shoving guns in peoples faces but its that same mixture of kind of havoc, elation, sadness and surrealness which I think everyone feels on their last day of compulsory education.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

thoughts n things

Pat Benatar was my favourite when I was about twelve and played a lot of guitar hero. I recently rediscovered her music and had a wonderful wave of nostalgia.

 


I am currently trying to figure out what to write for my yearbook page. At one point I was tempted just to use kanye west quotes for everything but then I got worried no one would understand and I would just look kinda strange. The whole thing is kind of annoying me. Like its meant to be fun but the other day our teacher told us we weren't putting the right stuff in there. Like she wants us to put cutesy things about all our favourite memories and those annoying fake marilyn monroe quotes. My school is so horribly lame. I'm leaving on friday thank god.
Me and my friend returned to the creepy abandoned building I posted about before. This time we found a load of other rooms, most of which were empty apart from one which had a box of old books, a creepy photo of some children and a dead pigeon. We tried to figure out what happened that those three objects turned up in a room together, but we couldn't come up with anything. Anyway, we each took a book from the box and I took the picture. I haven't got round to starting reading the book, which is a collection of Indian myths,but I read the preface and scanned through the illustrations because I am a child haha.
 


WHO EVEN ARE THESE CHILDREN AND WHY WAS THEIR PHOTO LEFT IN AN ABANDONED BUILDING
Today, after feeling stressed and annoyed and like my head was going round in circles for weeks I felt I needed to do something to clear my head. A few months ago, I bought some tarot cards after seeing a video about card reading on Rookie and though it looked like a cool thing to do. I find that most people (in my experience at least) are unfairly dismissive of tarot cards and other kinds of divination. Ok sure I have only done one reading, and maybe the whole premise is a bit 'wishy washy' for all you sensible mature people or whatever but it has helped me make sense of the things I am feeling in a way I could not have done otherwise. Something about seeing your situation not as something abstract which whirls confusingly around your own head but as divided into different factors, internal and external, past and present makes everything make sense. Or at least it does for me. Also card reading is open to a lot of interpretation, so its not like the cards tell you exact events which will absolutely happen. They are just there to help you clarify your own thoughts and situation, which is something I have needed really bad recently.
 
Anyway, I hope all of you are doing okay. Especially if you have exams now or at some point in the future, don't beat yourself up about them too much. Be nice to yourselves ok?

Friday, 16 May 2014

happy birthday to this blog

it is exactly one year since I created this blog. Back then, i was feeling kind of distressed and felt like I needed somewhere else to express myself. And even though this blog hasn't always been an exact representation of my thoughts, there is something wonderfully therapeutic about sharing something, even if it's trivial, for anyone to see. I have encountered some lovely people on here and am still pleased that after so much deliberating I decided to start a blog. I didn't know what this was going to be when I started out and I still don't actually, but I don't think I mind that much. For me, it's comforting to know that I have somewhere where I can say the stuff I can't say to anyone in real life, and even meet people I would never have known otherwise. The past year hasn't been an amazing time for me, but so far the blogging world has not let me down. So thank you, not only to this blog but to all you lovely people reading it, for being here.